On t-shirts & car number plates.

It's really sunny outside & that is where I should be, but as I said I would write today I am indoors WRITING. Lest you should think this means I will scarper outside and lounge listlessly in the sun as soon as I have logged off, let it be known that it is almost 5pm and there will be butt-crack all sun in the back garden by then. Feeling the guilt yet? I thought not.

But first - a cup of tea.

Sorry, that took longer than I thought. Got interrupted by a couple of phone calls. Busy, busy me.

To set the scene yet further, I am listening to my new iTunes car/travelling mix, mainly because I realised yesterday that I only knew about half the words to most of the songs and if I am going to inflict my tuneless caterwauling on others I think I should at least get the lyrics correct. Though the rock n' roll nature of this playlist is somewhat in contrast to the little old lady nature of our car: most NZers insist on driving either silly silly SUVs or boy-racer Japanese thingies with enormously loud exhausts. After me, "U. G. L. Y. You ain't got no alibi...". My ramblings on this subject are semi-inspired by a very cruisy drive up the coast yesterday and some general observations about the folks in these parts. I have become a little fixated on two strangely (to me) common features of NZ life, namely NZ/NZ locality themed t-shirts and personalised number plates on cars.

Personalised car number plates are so common over here that I once spent more time than I should have trying to figure out one particularly cunning example. Was it a phonetic combination of letters and numbers (such as "BST M8" = best mate), a straightforward abbreviation, or something more sinister? No, it was just a random meaningless jumble of letters and numbers. How dull. Yesterday I saw this legend upon a fairly nice car - BEEYATCH. Now, wouldn't you be thrilled to have that adorning your vehicle? Tough, someone classy has already nabbed it. Other recent classics = PRPLE CR (it was a purple car; thanks for sharing), YAIS M8 ("yus mate", which I love because it was a favoured catchphrase of my great uncle George) and WNK 3R - actually I made that up. It was TSS 3R. Made that up too.

But I do know of someone over here who changed their middle name to "Danger", so they could say "Danger is my middle name". A sibling won a name change competition on a local radio station and had it changed to "Dangermouse". That'll learn 'em.

Similarly, but not really linked at all, there is a really big thing for wearing NZ themed t-shirts arounds these parts. I recently read that one "guest" of NZ suggested that perhaps there was a legal requirement that every resident had to own at least one, to be worn once a week (bare minimum). Hmm...it could be true.

If you don't believe me then check out www.billitees.co.nz.

One commonly worn motif depicts the two main islands of NZ accompanied by the legend "home". Um, yeah? I kind of know that seeing as we are both in NZ, and you're wearing a geographically specific t-shirt in the typical Kiwi fashion. Bit of a give away.

I wanted to get a t-shirt made with a portrait of the Queen and emblazoned with "I'm the boss of you" just to see if I can provoke the locals. I have been advised this would not go down well. Damn.

Not only can you buy generic NZ t-shirts, you can get more detailed and have a city-focused motif, and then go further and get a suburb/neighbourhood themed design. Anyone desperate for a "Newtown" t-shirt feel free to call, they sell them in the shop on the corner of our street. It reminds me of that irritating thing we used to write when kids i.e. Grumpy But Amusing, 6 Bloggins St, Newtown, Wellington, New Zealand, Australasia, Oceania, The Earth, The Solar System, The Universe. Maybe I could get a t-shirt with that on it? In ascending order! Now, that's an idea.

If you are being pc (or simply want to confuse non-locals) you could go for the Aotearoa design. Aotearoa being Maori for "Land of the Long White Cloud", that being what we colonials refer to as "New Zealand".

If you are being obtuse you can go for any one of numerous motifs that liberally make use of kiwis, paua shells, sheep, koru, or NZ catchphrases, such as "choice", "sweet as", "bro" etc etc.

See? It's a national obsession. To paraphrase Ozzy Osbourne, if you really want to be original in NZ don't get a NZ themed t-shirt. Fight it. Fight the urge.

I have one. But it's discreet. And it only shows the Bucket Fountain in Cuba St, so it's pretentious too. Right up my street.

Tomorrow is Wellington's annual Lesbian & Gay Fair. It rocks so hard it can entirely contained in the playground of the local school. And the headline act is someone/something called "Boyband". Think of me and weep.

Luckily we have an expert margarita maker coming over in the evening.

Bonsoir.